"I will turn their mourning into joy!"
For the Lord has ransomed Jacob, and has redeemed him from hands too strong for him. They shall come and sing aloud on the height of Zion, and they shall be radiant over the goodness of the Lord, over the grain, the wine, and the oil, and over the young of the flock and the herd; their life shall become like a watered garden, and they shall never languish again. Then shall the young women rejoice in the dance, and the young men and the old shall be merry. I will turn their mourning into joy, I will comfort them, and give them gladness for sorrow. Jeremiah 31:11-13
This last month has been one full of challenges and sadness for me. My income from research I had been receiving in for the last 8 years has slowed. My boyfriend for whom we had been discussing marriage and family decided to break up without any conversation or notice. And my neighbor and friend passed away in his home and was not discovered for several days, showing me the gruesomeness that death may entail. This has been a time of loss, grief and confusion.
In no way am I comparing my pain and heartache to a plethora of tragedies that I fortunately have not incurred, however the feelings are the same. We have all felt pain. We have all felt what it feels like to be abandoned by ones we love. We have all felt helpless in our powerlessness to change the fate of one's passing. Most of us have felt the fear and anxiety that comes with the loss of a profession or of financial stability. There are days when it appears that all I can do is pretend to be grounded and choke back the tears of what-in-the-world-has-my-life-come-to. There is a term nodus tollens: the realization that the plot of your life doesn't make sense to you anymore.
Allowing ourselves to grieve, to be present in our anger and the roller-coaster of emotions are paramount to our healing. It is crucial for us to acknowledge and reconcile the depravity of our situation(s), whether we caused them or not. As long as I continue to blame my ex, the market, the VA system, myself, or what or whomever for my present state, the longer I will grasp onto the notion that I can fix or allieviate my heartache. It is in the unyielding surrender to God that this mourning may be turned to gladness, that my sorrow may be transformed to joy.
It will not happen overnight and it will not be easy to do the work necessary to turn this darkness into light. Letting go and receiving grace isn't some magic pill that negates our responsibility to our own journey of forgiveness and peace. And so in this progression toward wholeness, I remember that I had been praying to God to show me the character of my ex, to reveal to me if it was to be the Godly union I desired. God answered my prayers. And in this practice of berievement I am made aware that I was able to get to know an eccentric, yet loving neighbor, Jerry Lawrence Anthony Wray, who has made an imprint on my life in ways that I am truly thankful for each day. And lastly, once again I have learned to prayerfully put my independence and livelihood completely in the hands of the One who made me. The Great Provider. The Healer. The Deliverer. The Rock. The Redeemer. The Merciful.
It may take a while before I'm 100% back to my laid-back and smiling self. Yet today I can see the beauty in the earth and am thankful I'm taking steps toward gratitude. I have no doubt that my mourning will be transformed to joy and dancing, it just may happen incrementally and in God's timing. Peace be with you.
