When Anger Rears Its Head
"There’s nothing more frustrating than trying to share your thoughts or feelings with your partner only to experience deflection or defensiveness. Being vulnerable and expressing your innermost needs and desires can be terrifying. If you’re met with resistance or feel unheard, you might experience a sense of abandonment or even shame. Being heard conveys that your thoughts and feelings matter, and it paves the way for a deep sense of trust. Anyone can talk. Not everyone can listen." (Dr. Andra Brosh)
I listen for a living. Over the last decade I have honed my skills in this area to pick up nuances in body language, tone, what a person is not saying, etc. Part of being a good listener is learning to quiet our own mind in some ways and not let our own history come into play, yet still listen to the Holy Spirit and what she is saying. It is not easy and at times this introspection and development force us to dive down into our trauma, pain, prejudices, and emotion. I am not perfect at it, but I value the journey of what it takes to excel at being a Chaplain and a Counselor.
Of course there are times when I just want the same amount of care reciprocated in my daily life, outside of work. When my day has been stressful or I have experienced the pain that comes with being disrespected or ignored, I want to be heard. I do not expect friends or significant others to be professionals, however I do desire the love they have for me to be present and to show some empathy for the vulnerability I display.
Being in relation in and of itself can be a risk. And when those we are in relation with chose to not hear us or convey that our thoughts and feelings do not matter, anger may be a reaction. And anger in and of itself is not a bad emotion. Often after the anger is expressed, what is behind it? Sadness and fear. And like Dr. Brosh says in the quote above, that deep sense of trust we had with that person can be damaged. Ultimately at our core, we all want to be loved and valued for who we are. That our feelings matter. That our concern and convictions matter. And that even at our most dark and shameful places, that we are loved anyway.
Arguments and disagreements happen. It's what we do during and after them that display and show who a person is. There have been plenty of times that I have said things I regret, we all have. I do know myself well enough to know that when I do not feel heard or valued, my initial reaction is anger. Yet when looking deeper, it takes me to that place of being the youngest child, not heard as much, and left alone to fend for my own. Whether it be rejection or abandonment, we all face those feelings at some point, and no childhood is devoid of it. In no way is this about blame, but about recognizing what is at our innermost vulnerabilities when those feelings of abandonment or rejection surface.
So what do we do with those feelings? Today I mowed the lawn and machetied bamboo. Then I took a shower, read Scripture, and processed why I became angry when a person I loved shut me out and didn't acknowledge my pain at all. My trust was broken; my idea of what being in relation was undermined, yet I am still the same person. Have I learned from it? Hopefully. Did I understand more about myself and my own history because of it? Yes. Was it courageous to tell my feelings and become vulnerable in the first place? Yes! Will this understanding bring me closer to authenticity and forgiveness? Yes. Not everyone has the skills or is in the profession of listening, but I urge you to be aware when another is in need of your ear and your heart. Because that is what it means to love one another. And vulnerability takes great courage.
