Honor and Integrity
“Be good to your work, your word, and your friend.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Integrity and honor revolve around the concept of trust. Trust in relationships with others, our own selves, and God. My grandfather, W.E. Cole used to say that "when money, looks, and the material things pass away, all you have is your word, and if your word means nothing, you have no honor." Over the years I have repeated this countless times, yet it resonates deep within me right now as if some kind of sustaining reassurance grounding me to authenticity.
When writing about the term honor, I am not talking about the privilege of playing first on the golf tee box, although it brings a smile to my face. I am writing about the integrity and respect of a person, as well as the fulfillment of an obligation or an agreement. Also, in modern day slang, "Just do what you say you are gonna do."
We live in a society that undervalues what it means to have honor. One only has to turn on the television to see people blaming others for their own shortcomings. However, the point here is not about politics. Over the years, I have had relationships that have faded or ended when trust was continually undermined. Some I have confronted and asked for accountability, others I have simply let fall to the wayside due to the inability to ever see eye to eye, and there are some where I didn't display the honor or integrity that was needed either. I have fallen victim to getting caught up in the busyness of life and its demands, have broken appointments, have been too tired to follow through with a lunch or a meeting, or said I would call or do something and did not do it. However, I do know instantly when I have contributed to my loss of honor, whether the other recognizes it or not. I can hear my grandfather or my mother in my conscience through the Holy Spirit nudging me to walk with integrity and be accountable.
So is that the difference? The difference between those with integrity and honor, and those without it? There are ones that know they are breaking their word and those that have no clue when they do, or dismiss the trust broken when they may believe it is something too small to be of consequence? So what of those struggling to attain it?
People often make excuses to avoid accountability of why they break their commitments. "I was busy. I got held up in traffic or at work. I forgot. I was tired. I fell asleep. I lost track of time, etc." Our friends, our work, and our relationships suffer when we don't do what we say we are going do. Our word suffers. The sense of trust people have in us diminishes. But what are we to do when those around us choose to not be accountable? It doesn't have to be a gargantuan injury to trust, but even the small missteps that may seem minuscule on the outset, as over time those small breaches of trust begin to define a person.
"[People] who turn to excuses for their lack of integrity quickly find the trust and passion they once shared eroding beneath their feet. They find reasons for their shortcomings, infidelities, unkind words, impatience, and their selfishness. They can provide lists of explanations for their lack of integrity. They seek validation for our reasons. They get their friends to support them, justify them and cheer them on as they avoid accountability, and preserve their sense of pride, and rightness." (Dr. Gottman)
Relationships are complex and communication is a learned experience / skill. And what I am learning currently is that either people can choose to value the other and rebuild trust by communication and learning to resolve differences, so the relationships can grow and flourish in a healthy and loving way, or they choose not to value the relationship and do not. Trust is the basis in the end. When there is no honor or integrity, there is no trust. Forgiveness, selflessness, humility, joy, and building one another up to be better are what being in relation is all about...with friends, family, God, and significant others, and it all happens when people walk and talk with accountability, integrity, and honor.
True friendship (even with ourselves) is when we don't make excuses. For we are the only ones responsible for our own word. I've made mistakes in this area, (thank goodness I'm not the 20 year-old Colette), and I am striving to surround myself with people that hold me accountable with love, and I do the same for them. For I encourage you to value your own peace of mind and to truly live with authenticity.
Over the last six months or so I have made a paradigm shift. Even a mantra of sorts when I can feel myself getting frustrated or saddened by the reality of who someone may be in front of me. The shift was to not get angry or be disappointed in someone for being who they are. I am not here to change anyone. For we can learn to compromise and it can be dirty, complicated, and challenging at times, to allow relationships to move toward a place where you grow and learn from another, to become better people. However, it is another when we also sometimes need to let some unhealthy friendships go to honor our own sense of integrity.
