Being in Relation
My best friend, Rebecca Ramsey, once described me as a chocolate chip cookie, "Colette has a tough and rough exterior, but once you break through she has a gooey center." Honestly, I'm not sure if it was a cookie description, but that is what I heard. And who doesn't love cookies? Only crazy people that's for sure.
I am a complex person. Rebecca was right in that I do have a guard or a somewhat tough exterior at times. It's not there all the time and the older I get, the more empathic I have become. This dynamic has been challenging in areas of my life. There is a way I thrive, the strong, independent Colette who does not back down from a challenge and has the courage to stand up and speak out when necessary. Maturity for me has meant listening to the Spirit of God and holding back my knowledge or emotions. The irony is that the more mature and grounded I become, the more I hold back. Holding back, however, is not applied to areas of social justice, oppression or being a voice for those that have none. This may be precisely the opposite for most women, as societies teach women not to speak out, not to speak the truth and if you do you are considered the B word. And as the iconic Hello Kitty doll represents, you are most loved when you do not have a mouth at all. However my wise and also outspoken mother always taught me, "Colette, ask for what you want. I am not a mind reader."
It is ironic that the more mature and grounded I become, the more I hold back is because for decades I have worked on letting people in and being vulnerable. At some point I learned that the walls we build that keep us safe and protected as a child, will devestate us as adult by keeping the love we so desperately need out. Being a good listener has been a strength my whole life, however really being empathetic to each person's individual story without judgement has been the learning curve. There is a complex balance between being empathetic and discerning.
I will admit that this strong and independent self is something in which I often fail miserably. Relationships are hard work. They take time, prayer and nurturing. When I am in my vulnerable state, there comes a certain amount of fear. Fear of abandonment and fear of rejection. All of us, and I repeat all of us, have experienced one of these in our childhood, even if it was not an overtly traumatic one. Fear of rejection and the fear of abandonment grip us all at some point. And I have spent almost the entirely of my adult life releasing my childhood from that dark and fearful place.
However, every so often, and its usually around the time I begin my menstral cycle, emotions come to the surface and that balance of independence and being-in-relation coincide. Our cycles bring to the forefront the awareness of those thoughts or emotions we may have repressed or ignored, so we can deal and let go of them. The body has an unusual, but miraculous, way of supplying us with what we need to grow and stay healthy. However, how do we as strong women manage to keep this balance everyday? That genuine steadiness that comes with keeping our mind at peace when the heart may be racing from emotions or that the equillibrium of the world is threatening us, how do we succeed (or even scrimp by) despite the hardships?
Blessed be the name of the God forever and ever,
For wisdom and might are God's.
And God changes the times and the seasons;
God removes kings and raises up kings;
God gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to those who have understanding,
God reveals deep and secret things;
God knows what is in the darkness,
And light dwells in God.
I thank You and praise You, O God of my Mothers;
You have given me wisdom and might,
And have now made known to me what we asked of You,
For you have made known to us the kings demand. Daniel 2:20-23
Currently, I am in a Bible study on the book of Daniel. What a blessing it has been to be surrounded each week by a room full of genuine, diverse and loving women of God. Each has their own perspective and story. I have learned so much from their experiences and am seeing glimpses into what their lives are like and what leg of the journey of life they are on, and it has enriched me greatly.
Part of what we are learning in this study is about dealing with situations that are out of our control. Life sometimes seems to happen to us. I get the image of a tornado disrupting everything around us while we struggle to stay calm and at peace amist it all. Often we have to be accountable for our actions and what we do or don't do. Yet sometimes life simply happens to us. Its how we proceed forward to heal, to grow, to learn, to forgive, to push ahead when the burden or sadness or anger may be so difficult to carry.
So I am reminded of Daniel and the three sons of Judah: Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah (aka Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-Nego). They did not doubt when threatened with their lives to accomplish what the other wise men in Babylon said was impossible. What did they do? They asked for time. Time where they retreated to their house, "that they might seek mercies from the God of heaven concerning this secret, so that Daniel and his companions might not perish with the rest of the wise men of Babylon." (Daniel 2:18)
As an introvert the most natural thing in the world sometimes, like breathing, is to retreat home and take time to focus on prayer. We cannot allow ourselves to get caught up in the imagination of the what-ifs and the doubts of what may come. We must refuse to allow our circumstances to send us into a downward spiral of false outcomes. It is one thing to plan ahead for contingencies, it is another to allow them to take hold of our spirit. So how does this relate to staying in balance even amongst the hardships? We must retreat to our inner place and pray. And pray with boldness like Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael and Azariah did. Pray with the determination that God's providence will prevail. For "God reveals deep and secret things; God knows what is in the darkness, and light dwells with God." (Daniel 2:22)
